The trips to the hospital put me in a place where I started to think more about about what it was I would be leaving behind. I wasn’t thinking of the legacy of what I did and who I was, though there was some importance. I was thinking more of would my children remember me. Would they know how much I loved them? Would they know what memories I enjoyed the most? I’m sure they’d have their own memories. But, they’re still so young. I started to look at scrapbooking again. And to be honest with you I had a hard time with picking it back up and really wanting to scrapbook. In my mind I had taken the meaning of scrapbooking and changed it in my mind. It brought a lot of bitter sweet memories that left bruised impressions. Then there are also some great memories and experiences I can’t take away.
Several years ago, I think back in 2003, I found myself entering the world of scrapbooking. And I’m not talking about scrapbooking as scrapbooking for memories or even enjoyment. I’m talking about the scene. Some how me just starting with this art got me thrown into a design team, when design teams weren’t really many. This isolated me in so many ways. From new friends I had made and their jealousy (not all but some). For having a style that wasn’t the norm of what had existed at the time. It saddened me. Then it got worse. The deeper into this scene I went the more I saw the ugliness behind it. The women, how they bickered and gossiped. Oh and don’t get me wrong. I didn’t realize it until I was already deep in it. I did it too.
I met with some of the top DT members at the time and was snubbed at because I was different. I wasn’t the normal SBer. I met some of the wonderful companies and the people who worked behind the scene and was sickened. I started to see my work being replicated by others branding their names as the ones who designed this and that. They were popular so of course I didn’t do it. I had articles taken and literally copied as in copied and pasted with their names as the author. I even was in the midst of starting my own stamp company which had been my dream longer than scrapbooking because initially that’s what I did. I stamped I had been stamping since I was 14. But, as things got worse I couldn’t. I didn’t want to fight like this anymore. Why was I fighting for my name? For what I did? All I wanted to do was save memories.
Granted not all experiences were bad. I got to meet some DT members from a lot of different companies. I still chat with some of them today.
But, all this is the image I had of scrapbooking. My work is nothing spectacular it was just something different. Right now there are so many great designers out there. And I’m glad different is in. The unusual is trendy! Rock on creative ladies!!
The point of all this is I had to stop and understand why I was having a hard time scrapbooking. I started reading “Clean and Simple, the Sequel”, by Cathy Zielske. I bought the book years ago when it came out. Don’t tell but I ordered it before it’s release. But I only started to read it now. I’m not done. I’m taking it all in as it goes. But, I just finished reading the section Think. And I guess you can say I am. I’m remembering why scrapbooking was important. And I now know what I want out of it. It’s a nice mix of me sharing my memories with finding a way to express it in another different media. I’m ready to start scrapbooking again. I have a different out look on it now. I have to go back and find my style. Which means playing with media again. I’m actually excited.
I’m glad to get that off my chest.